w;t -- my play

bai; antioxidant cocofusion; madagascar coconut mango; 1g sugar. no artificial sweeteners

"I know all about life and death. I am, after all, a scholar of Donne's Holy Sonnet, which explore mortality in greater depth than any other body of work in the English language" - w;t, the play by Margaret Edson. 

Ironic. John Donne's Holy Sonnets came no satisfying conclusion about life, death, or love--it merely considered and reconsidered the complexity of the topics and puzzled them over. My confidence is also wavering.

**Donne Sonnet tidbits: the semicolons in Holy Sonnet VI show Donne escaping and hiding from the reality of the irrational, abstract death. He initially assumes control over Death, but he cannot--the semicolons relinquish the control to Heaven. W;t, the initial confidence in rationalizing abstract topics with rigorous intellect and wit is ultimately shattered as we realize such topics cannot be understood completely. They remain irrational.**

My play. The things I had complete and utter control over are beginning to slip from my fingertips. Perhaps it is my naivety to have assumed power over them in the first place, but I am involuntarily relinquishing control. To your surprise, I am not referring to mere academic subjects or extracurricular activities. But rather Willpower, Confidence, Liberty.

To clarify, I am not depressed. Put simply, it is harder for me to achieve the same amount of happiness through routine means. The scale and spread of happiness has shifted to grey areas, not in my favor. Let me explain:

Hoco Coed practice, happy. Mickey mouse econ class w my goofy table at it again, happy ... library w funny fobs, happy. mvc fever dream class, happy.

I live in the moment--happy. Something changes.

Coed practice, a significantly lesser degree of happiness, if happiness is even measurable. econ, library, the rest...less happy. 

What happened? I am not overworked with stress or even being more productive; if anything, I am less productive. I'm trying to generalize this phenomenon, but I will specify. Clearly I omitted many details in my brief rundown of a typical day. Occasionally, I get some random video or photo from a friend, I respond, ok whatever. The change is that now I await a notification, disappointed when I see it was not what I expected, happy when I see it is. I lose control of my willpower to restrain instantly looking at those notifications, freedom to achieve happiness anywhere, and ultimately, my girlboss energy. 

I;don't;think;this;is;a;crush;issue. 99% sure it is because I am losing confidence in myself, so I seek validation from others. Connecting to my previous thought-scatter, this can easily develop into a seek for bf. But why validation from a specific person you may ask. idk. i haven't gotten that part figured out yet, hence the semicolons. 

The;reason;is;that;I;began;to;think. Not living in the moment, but overthinking. Something is on the back of my mind during those routine daily events that should make my highlights of the day. What is? idk. Well clearly a person is, but there is something deeper, and the person is but a pawn in place of it. I want to know what are those grey areas my happiness has shifted to. 

Regardless, I feel like I am at the weakest stage I have been, deeper than mentally. I need a period of time to detoxify, maybe meditation to regain control over my values. 

Let this end like Sonnet X. 

"Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou'art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy'or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally,

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die."

Pleasure will flow from other directions. Yes. it shall be no more. it shalt die.