sour grape

how can a sweet grape taste so sour? only when ur mouth is dry and ur holding back tears.

this month my world toppled. shitty college decisions. parents jobless. grandpa with cancer. mother away for 3 months. father away most of the time. my inner core of family was plucked out of my world, leaving me hollow and empty inside.

i'm a fairly optimistic person---i thought living alone meant having the house to myself, inviting friends over, and not being told what to do anymore. living alone didn't seem so terrible until you get to the small things. i go home and turn on the lights of a pitch black house. i drive, get groceries, cook, and eat alone. i clean the entire house, close all the curtains at night, and light up a small section of the dark house. since when did home turn into something foreign? it doesn't feel like home anymore.

why do i have to grow up so fast?

i had piano class today. ms. marina rang the doorbell and i opened the door. it was nice seeing someone in a while. a few exchanges of small talk (she asked me where my mother was, i casually answered she was in china taking care of my sick grandpa), and we started playing piano. Waltz Op. 64 No. 2 by Chopin. Nocturne Op. 55 No1. by Chopin. 6:30 "are you cooking alone?" "yes ... yes i am... but it's fine" *pause* I let out some laugh to break the silence; we continue playing. one hour went by fast. 

7:00pm, but we go overtime. we have two classes left. i see the envelope with money inside on the top of the piano---what my mother left me to pay for classes. i thought i could never be sad when the skies are blue and the grass green. I never played Chopin so well as I did today---today i felt his music.