peace before the next climb

this week i started planning the part of my life where everlasting high school memories come from. this may sound ironic, but relaxation scares me. i want to look back on my years and remember the 'good ol times'. i want to have the 90s nostalgia of my teenage goof era. but a part of me wonders the other things i could be doing, and perhaps the chill second semester is not what i want. 

below is a direct copy and paste of my notes.

Dec 30: SF w cpoo

Feb 2/18-2/26: NYC (2/17-2/21) elina, jasmine; Tahoe jib, cin, irene; Back for dive practice.

April 4/15-4/23: Visit colleges

Austin, Cindy (2wk in July): South Korea---Seoul, Jeju island

Kyl, Karl, Cin (1wk): Hawaii

Other ideas:

• Zurich, Switzerland
• Vienna, Austria
• Santorini, Greece
• Bangkok, Thailand
• Munich, Germany (again)

Resolutions:

• Go to beach/sf at least once a month
• Make a last yr of hs film
• Read read read
• Hangout w new people, people who I didn't have a chance to get close to
• Wash hair at least once every three days...hygiene
• Get a job
• Going back to ucsb / other research internship; stay for a month
• Live in china, find internship / job

ok. let. me rephrase what i said earlier. i want a meaningful second semester. this winter break i actually have so much time on my hands even though i need to finish college apps. i finished (sort of) flute responsibilities, orchestra took a break, i got sick and stopped private lessons. no more schoolwork (with the exception of kenny iams hw). multivariable calc is gone. research is complete. 

i sit at home now, looking at my screen and barely writing college apps. i feel tired, dispirited, not because of apps, but of having nothing to do. i want to make use of myself, have motivation of my ambitions. 

back to 90s nostalgia. it's the 21st century, what i want is unrealistic. "live in china...work in a bookstore." that inspiration came from the lifestyle in 2521. when i wrote down that bullet point, i romanticized the simple times where people worked in stores, arranging books, serving coffee, then went home to do the same thing the next day. but it's a different time now, people's attention span fails to last for even a 60 second video---i would not be satisfied with that job. i thought about doing a gap-year-like-summer this year, maybe living with my aunt and just detoxifying my mind through working at a cafe. but i'm scared of what i will sacrifice. 12 hours of sitting and waiting for orders. doing nothing. maybe that is good for my mi---i'm bored of writing this topic, moving on.

to making new friendships with people i didn't have a chance to. this is 50% in general, 50% targeted to an individual. but in order for this to make sense, i must jump a little to sexual orientation---i swear this is related. 17 years of my life i have been 100% sure i am 100% straight. but upon considering what love is, i realized i simply do not even lie on the bi-spectrum. ok yes i appreciate the existence of attractive men, and definitely obsess over them (search nam joo hyuk; skawngur on insta), but i realized my crushes do not originate from basic qualities. cut to the chase. i think i like this girl---not in a romantic way, but i admire her work ethic, wit,  style, way of life. recently i have found myself asking questions like: would she wear this? is she going to be in chem at this time? should i go to econ class on time for once? (she's in my chem and econ class) idk she makes me feel very safe, it's comfortable around her, i don't get shy around her---but to be fair, i don't think i get shy around anyone---and i prefer her over any male at lynbrook. lol perhaps lynbrook boys are so rubbish i have been turned gay. anyway, we talked before econ finals, before+after chem finals during finals week, and i felt secure. in conclusion, i need to know whether she is bi. jk. but not jk because i do want to know, but i'm not going to do anything. then again, out of the people i supposedly want to impress at lynbrook, i probably would want to impress her---after myself, of course. so back to the main point, i want to be friends with her. 

now that i'm typing this out, i can't tell if i want to be friends with her or i like her. with boys, i always had an issue where i thought i liked someone but turns out i just wanted to get closer with them, as friends. regardless, i am not on the bi spectrum because gender does not play a role in my attraction level. with shared experiences, feelings of comfort, doses of admiration and excitement, my love originates. as for crushes, i choose the best apple out of the bunch, and in this case, she is the best one. 

moral of the story: i can't wait to meet a kind, caring, considerate, tall, not skinny, athletic, fit, smart boy. i need a back yi-jin in my life.

lol this journal should have gone under chaos and disorder instead...