attitude

crying and writing are equally cathartic. 

today i realized that i cry because of three reasons: 1. disappointment (in myself) 2. pity (for myself) 3. realizing i have people that love me

it's been a year since i last cried and for those 365 days i felt strong, like nothing could ever get to me. but today it all came rushing in, like how a small pebble hits the glass vase, and all the water comes spilling out. 

6:00 shower. tired, could barely hold my head up. hoco coed morning practice. wake up call. first period. a bit of smiles, i like my table, allen janice anirudh + pugh econ class makes 1st period always like a funny fever dream. 2nd period. ta. 

idk why i walked into class so sullen, but i had an in-class essay in chan the next period and mrs. otoshi just said we had work to do. a bit annoyed, i grabbed my frankenstein book and laptop into the women's dressing room and prepared to set up my workplace there. piles of boxes. there was no way i had time to prepare for next period. mrs. otoshi asked me to sort the dresses and tell her the sizes so she could check them off the list.

*before i continue, i want to clarify a few things. i took wind ensemble ta because i wanted to do marching band. but i also didn't despise the period either, sometimes it was a effective way to destress and take my mind off things, but other times plain old tedious work that was just sorting papers and what not irritated me. slightly. 

i took a dress out of the box and said "45 S", then another "46 S" but louder, then grabbed four more and announced "45 S 47 S 46 S 48 S". mrs. otoshi looked at me and she looked confused. "sweetie, you need to read them slower, i couldn't keep up". i solemnly dipped my head slightly. "48 S", I declared, loudly. it was a bit much. went too far. 

"sweetie, i can tell you do not like to be a ta. you do not need to be a ta. but if you want to work with me, you need to have a better attitude. your attitude is making this not enjoyable for either of us"

i swallowed my words and didn't speak for the next 20 minutes. but tears flowed down my cheeks. i felt bad for mrs. otoshi, i was disappointed in myself, but also, sadness. i slept at 2 or 3 the night before, so around 3-4 hours of sleep. i had marching band the night before too, and i didn't eat the entire day until 9:00pm. and i overate myself again. i didn't do any homework and didn't even start the lab research tasks i was assigned to do three weeks ago. flute recording due oct 25, not even close to memorizing it. asb. ap chem. ap stats. college apps. 

more tears came down. i didn't cry, but just let them flow down, not changing my expression or making a single sound. another 10 minutes pass, i sort the clothes and place tags on them. i sit down and put my head down for a minute. "are you okay?" I begin to apologize to mrs. otoshi for my attitude, but it turns to bawling. it's embarrassing, i won't elaborate any further. mrs. otoshi was a good listener, and i go back into her office where i reside 20 minutes before class ends. she gives me three boba mochi snacks. 

third period. decent essay. lunch. caa club activity, pretty fun. i go home, deciding to skip multivar calc class today. 

7:30pm all i have done was chem hw. 8:00 i go for a walk with my mom. i overate again and felt fat. i began running. after a while, i run back to find my mom. i told her about my day, and she began lecturing me about sleeping earlier, setting the time that i sleep to be 12:00. my mood swung low, i thought she did not understand me. i knew i should sleep earlier, and i knew the consequences, what i should do, but sometimes i can't do the things that are the best for me. we talked back and forth and the conversation turned heated yet completely cold. I snapped. 

the only thing you can do for me is support me from a distance

silence. 

she holds my hand and squeezes it tight. "everything will be okay". pause. "what should I make for you tomorrow? hm maybe ill go to the grocery store and buy fish and oh those pomelos and..."

tears, again. uncontrollable. 

all i could say was i love you mom.